Saturday, January 24, 2009

I Really Did Truly Believe

I absolutely truly believed "with every fiber of my being". People often try to negate a person's "loss of testimony" by saying that "they never really had a testimony in the first place". They say this because it is less threatening to them. They think to themselves, "I could never fall like that person because my testimony is too strong".

Anyone who ever knew me before my apostasy would have to confess that I really did believe probably more than most members, so if I could come to believe it is all false now, then that should shake them that there really might be something to what I claim to have learned about the Church.

4 comments:

Bull said...

Right on. That and several other reasons such as sin, offenses, etc. Everything except for what you say it is.

prashant said...

"I could never fall like that person because my testimony is too strong".

Work from home India

nicmyers said...

Thanks for this post. When I told my sister I was leaving the church and no longer had a testimony, she said to me, verbatim, that I never had a real testimony. I was hurt and didn't say anything as she continued to lecture me. What she said took away from what for me was a life changing realization. She tried to make it seem like I had not just re-evaluated and uprooted my entire life. If I had never believed, then nothing had changed, and I was just being honest now. That was easier for her to swallow. She also told me this was "satan talking" and that she knew deep down I HAD a testimony still (as part of the same discussion). haha. At the time I was too hurt to laugh. But now, it's just so contradictory, how can you not? For the record, I attended BYU and BYU law school based on how I interpreted a patriarchal blessing, broke up with someone I loved, and married a man that I knew for 3 months based on promptings of the Spirit. Which I totally believed. Luckily, my husband's an awesome guy and we both had our Awakening at the same time and our marriage has worked out. But for the record, I truly, deeply had a testimony. I guess am writing this now because I think I need someone to recognize that. Leaving the church and the loss and betrayal I felt was that much worse when I learned what for me, is the real truth.

Hüffenhardt said...

Thanks for sharing, nicmyers! One of the reasons it is so difficult to no longer believe in Mormonism is because our loved ones who should be supporting us when our world is turned upside down emotionally distance themselves from us because they can't accept the reality of our epiphany.